You Every wedding season, people come together to celebrate the love of the couples in their lives.

While certain Asian wedding traditions may be similar to the Western weddings seen on TV and in movies, some rituals are lesser known and hold significant meaning to brides, grooms, and their families. For immigrants, keeping up traditions remains a significant piece of everyday life, but when it comes to these big moments, Asian families often view weddings as a family celebration rather than an event honoring the individual couple.

When it comes to planning, how do you decide which rituals to include, especially when many of these traditions are rooted in patriarchy? How can you make decisions that remain authentic to your values as a couple, while also allowing family members to be a part of the planning process?

JoySauce spoke to six recent Asian and Asian American brides about their experiences planning their weddings with these cultural nuances, as well as their own personal values, in mind.

Hannah Wong-White and Bryan Wong

As a Korean American adoptee, Hannah Wong-White’s wedding planning was accompanied by questions of what pieces of her cultural roots and adoptee identity should be included in her ceremony. Her husband, Bryan Wong, is Chinese American and so they also discussed which traditional Chinese rituals, like a tea ceremony, they wanted to include. However, the couple and their parents were never the traditional type—Wong’s parents didn’t even have a tea ceremony at their own wedding. Because of the gray space Wong-White felt she occupied as an adoptee and Wong’s non-traditional upbringing, the couple decided to focus on creating a day that was uniquely special for them outside of what was expected in China, South Korea, and the United States.

The guest list would not consist of the 500-plus people expected of a Chinese wedding, and there would not be a bridal party or a bouquet toss. At first, the couple had actually planned to elope with only immediate family present, but the wedding slowly grew to a slightly larger affair that included additional close family and friends. On the big day, Wong-White chose to walk down the aisle by herself, with her bouquet dedicated to her mom, who was in the audience. Once she reached the altar, Wong joined her to place white roses on the memorial chair that held space for her dad who had died. At the wedding reception, Wong-White also shared a special dance with her brother. “I feel really fortunate to have an incredible partner who also helped me stick to the boundaries we set and helped us, and the families, make compromises where we could,” she shares. 

Pooja and Priesh Mistry

Priesh and Pooja Mistry only included the wedding rituals and traditions that personally resonated with them.

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Though Pooja and Priesh Mistry are both Gujarati Indian, their families’ immigration stories are different. Pooja is Indian American and her husband grew up in London, where his family migrated from Kenya and Uganda. Even though both families identify as Hindu, because of their geographical differences, their cultural traditions also differ. Both the bride and groom were the first people in their immediate families to get married, which influenced the outcome of their celebrations. “Both of our moms wanted to have a real input into our day, especially as they each never had the wedding of their dreams. Our wedding essentially served as their canvas to incorporate their unfulfilled desires and fantasies,” Pooja shares. Ultimately, the couple had one rule during this process: if they didn’t understand why something was needed, they wouldn’t do it.

Rituals were important to this couple, especially the pheras—a series of rounds around a sacred fire while mantras are chanted by a priest. Each round is meant to signify a prayer for the couple. For Pooja, though she and Priesh had already been civilly married prior to this ceremony, it was only after the pheras that she truly felt “married.” While some parts of Pooja and Priesh’s wedding were more traditional, they pushed back on pressure to include other rituals, like the vidai ceremony—the time in which the bride formally leaves her parents’ home to go to her marital home. It’s often an emotional part of a Hindu wedding, which Pooja opted not to have at her celebrations. “Instead, we just walked out and high-fived people on the way! It’s important to pick and choose what rituals and traditions resonate most with you and your partner; just because something has been done doesn’t mean it needs to continue.”

Sakina Abidi and Brandon Chu

Brandon Chu and Sakina Abidi’s wedding celebrations took place in both India and Hong Kong.

Photo by Adrian Ng

Born in India and Canada respectively, Sakina Abidi and Brandon Chu came together for their Shia Muslim wedding functions in Hong Kong and India. During the wedding planning, Abidi noted that she wanted to appease her family by sticking as close to tradition as possible, especially since she was marrying outside the community. This included pre-wedding traditions like a manjha ceremony, which includes applying turmeric mixtures on the bride’s body. This ceremony usually includes orange-yellow hues in dress and decor, but in Abidi’s family’s village, they wear pink. Abidi also chose to have little to no music at her wedding events in India, as it’s traditionally believed to be forbidden in her faith. The pair’s legal religious ceremony included Chu reading a surah from the Holy Quran, as well as the signing of the nikahnama, the Islamic marriage contract, which the couple drafted themselves. The contract now hangs on the wall in their home.

The couple then returned to Hong Kong for a traditional Chinese banquet and tea ceremony, where Abidi wore a red and gold qi pao, tailored at Linva Tailor, of In The Mood For Love fame. The newlyweds served their elders tea, which was followed by a game of mahjong, and a full banquet dinner to close the celebrations. “We made good choices to keep things in line with our budget and faith without compromising on traditions,” Abidi says.

Anh Le and Kevin Dimatulac

Kevin Dimatulac and Anh Le combined their Filipino and Vietnamese cultures in their wedding festivities.

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Coming from Buddhist and Catholic upbringings made wedding planning a bit difficult for Anh Le and Kevin Dimatulac, but the couple brought their Vietnamese American and Filipino American families together in beautiful ways that honored their respective cultures. For Le and her family, the Đám Hỏi, or the engagement tea ceremony, is a significant part of any wedding celebration. During the ceremony, the couple wore traditional Vietnamese ao dai, and Dimatulac’s family presented gifts to the bride, seeking permission to marry her. Le’s family accepted, and the couple poured tea and lit incense to honor their ancestors. A year later, they had a second tea ceremony at their wedding, which included an additional offering of tea to family members in exchange for their blessings and wisdom. “This was where all the tears were,” Le reveals to JoySauce. “It was my favorite moment because a lot of Asian immigrant families don’t openly share or verbalize affection. To hear such wonderful wishes, love, and affection coming from my relatives…I couldn’t stop crying!” While Le worried that the traditions required by her Vietnamese family would overwhelm her husband and wanted to make sure she was teaching and translating the experiences properly, the couple later felt that the rituals created an opportunity to signify the bonding of their two families.

“It was my favorite moment because a lot of Asian immigrant families don’t openly share or verbalize affection. To hear such wonderful wishes, love, and affection coming from my relatives…I couldn’t stop crying!”

The couple opted to do a private, small City Hall ceremony rather than a large church ceremony for the wedding itself, where five of their closest friends stood witness. Here, they exchanged rings and vows and shared their intimate feelings with the small group of people who knew their journey well. The evening’s wedding reception, however, was a much larger affair. “I would have loved a 100-person wedding,” Le says. “But Vietnamese weddings are just large. They always have 300-500 people because out of respect and honor, we invite everybody. It’s for our parents too.”

Neha Ramani and Vinay Viswanathan

Vinay Viswanathan and Neha Ramani wanted to include as many Tamil traditions into their celebrations as possible.

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Neha Ramani and Vinay Viswanathan both grew up in Midwestern America. Both of their families identify as Tamilian, Hindu, and originate from the southern Indian city of Chennai. Because of their shared ethnic, religious, and cultural backgrounds, it was a priority for Ramani to incorporate as many Tamil traditions as possible into their wedding celebrations. “I feel like North Indian culture dominates the Western perception of Indian weddings, because of Bollywood movies,” she explains. “So I really wanted to highlight the beauty of South Indian, Tamil culture.” For the wedding ceremony, women were requested to wear brightly colored sarees, and men were requested to wear veshtis, a white unstitched cloth wrap for the lower body. The mandap, a structure that serves as the altar in Hindu weddings, was covered in bells and chimes—shipped to the United States, straight from artisans in India—reminiscent of temples in their ancestral home city.

Tamil weddings are full of rituals, and a few in particular were exciting to the bride. One such ritual was the oonjal—a ceremony where the bride and groom sit on a swing. The movement of the swing represents life’s ups and downs, and women from both families sing and dance around them performing the Kummi, a tamil folk dance. While there were some traditions that gave the couple pause, they ended up keeping the majority to uphold the integrity of their traditional ceremony. During their wedding, the priest officiating the ceremony unexpectedly asked the bride to touch the groom’s feet, which is usually seen as a sign of respect in Hindu culture, but remains a remnant of an outdated requirement strictly for wives. In the stress of the moment, Neha obliged, and Vinay, without missing a beat, returned the gesture to his new wife—and the guests went wild with joy.

Hetali Lodaya and Joe LaVigne

Joe LaVigne and Hetali Lodaya altered some traditions to ensure they fit with their shared values.

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As a Gujarati and Kutchi Indian who practices Jainism, Hetali Lodaya shared many new cultural traditions with her husband Joe LaVigne, who grew up in a rural Michigan and does not practice or identify with any religion. The pair’s wedding included a Jain ceremony, which traditionally incorporates a baraat, a celebratory procession of the groom and his family, and a kanyadan, the giving away of one’s daughter. The couple felt these pieces were patriarchal and gendered, so the latter was omitted and the former was transformed into a dance party for all guests to make their way towards the wedding ceremony. “The things that we changed or cut were things that either didn’t fit with our values or didn’t have a meaning that felt relevant to us,” Lodaya says.

There were, however, many things that Lodaya was excited to share with her new family, like her bridal mehndi, as well as garba and raas, traditional Gujarati folk dances that are often a part of celebrations. While there were some rituals that were removed from the ceremony, Hetali was eager to incorporate other classical, traditional pieces into her wedding that felt more authentic to her. “I wore a white panetar sari instead of a lehenga, which would have been the more modern choice. This was about tradition since it’s the traditional Gujarati outfit, but it was also about sentiment and practicality since it was my mom’s sari and I didn’t want to buy a lehenga that I would never reuse.”